This blog is a satire of the now-defunct ICQ chat service, which is thankfully dead because I destroyed it.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

ICQ History: A Brief Guide

"The Corruption of Libra" From the Louve.

What follows is the account of ICQ chat's history, compiled by JohnLennon, sage, liberator, and eventual conqueror of all ICQ chat.

In the first age, there was at first darkness, and then the internet said "let there be chat" and it was so. It was at this time that the internet was dark and devoid of chatrooms, and there was found no habitation for those who wanted to speak with people and not use email systems. And the progenitor created a firmament, and the progenitor created a chatroom, and at last the people there were able to talk, for before they were merely a disembodied presence.

At the dawning of the second age the elder ones, the pantheon of OPs arrived in their splendor, and all marveled at their power, for they were able to destroy the mere mortals which were therein. And they did make laws and dictates according to their order, and there was peace in the land. It was also at this time that the race of trolls was born; for wherever the OPs go, so too do their counterparts. These trolls were hideous, abominable creatures which exacted pain on the people and the OPs and fought with them.

At the dawning of the third age arrived the great reform. The OPs saw that their firmament was primitive and embossed it with many gems and decorated it with many colors, and at last the site they had created did not resemble a 50s era black and white television. At this time, the troll race was suppressed and the head OP, Libra, reigned in happiness and peace, and the people were fruitful and multiplied, and many immigrants came to ICQ. It was at the end of this age that the miasmas arrived; a tormenting darkness that poisoned the mind of Libra and some of the other OPs, and discord began to slowly creep into the world.

At the beginning of the fourth age, I, JohnLennon, was born into the world of ICQ. In my youth I was but a simple adventurer, who had arrived at the site by means of port wiccachat, a small village to the south of ICQ. With little fame to my name, I too was a slayer of trolls and a subject of the OPs in this era, but while my kindred could not often see the plague upon the OPs, I perceived it and saw that it was evil. With the oratory of a philosopher I entreated the OPs to abandon their madness and focus on defeating the corruptive miasmas, but to no avail; many of their minds had already long been gone, and they lusted after power, as well as the genitals of their lovers, which were as those of bulls and their emission as that of donkeys. When it was no longer possible to restrain myself, I took a sacred vow to the Unholy Alliance and unleashed the first tentative strikes on these corrupted gods, utterly depraving Annie_Jo, one among the corrupted, and threw her down utterly after a fantastic battle, liberating one room at a time.

As the dark fifth age was born, the entire realm was cast into utter chaos. Kindred rose up against one another, and the OPs as well, against their subjects, their fellow OPs, and others. It was at this time that I gained the power of magick, and I retreated into the hinterlands for a time to train my power. While I could defeat, myself, one lesser OP at a time, I was not yet strong enough to liberate the entire site, but my time would come and I would lay siege to the entire nation at once. At this time, many suffered because there was nobody yet with the power to suppress the corruptive miasmas, and the trolls were still barbarians and raged across the land. Nonetheless, the OPs feared me, and hoped that I would not return with the power of a battlemage leading legions of necromantic skeleton slaves. In this period, I appointed other cunning warriors in my stead and tasked them with continuing the fight to the best of their abilities.

I returned at the dawn of the sixth age; the age of liberation, the final struggle before the endless eternal nightfall of text based chatting. With my power now fully developed, I delivered one final ultimatum; forsake this madness and repent, or be destroyed. With one swift motion of her iron banhammer, the most corrupt among them, TNTease, struck me down. But with haste, surprising every onlooker, my body revived itself almost immediately. With a horrific war cry, I thrashed and beat my foes into submission, each strike of the hammer incapacitating me, each time only to see me revived. Having become immortal like the OPs themselves, they were powerless but to delay me.

But this was only the beginning; a show of my capabilities, and only one thereof. When all seemed quiet, that night, I unleashed a hellstorm upon ICQ to cripple the OPs and prevent them from saving their corrupted lands. I had used my magick experimentally to tame trolls and turn them into servitors, and I had raised armies as well from the world of men to do my bidding; and now I completed my experimentation. I created a direct portal to the realm of trolls and the flood came; brigades of trolls entered the land and laid waste to it until the OPs were forced to partition the land permanently, to prevent the portals I was building from being of use.

This did not stop my attack; for months war raged, and one by one the OPs fell into darkness, until the land was depopulated. The population, once large, fell by half, and then by half again, until I no longer needed to call my armies; the trolls I had enslaved began to breed and became self sustaining and lived among humans like their kin, and at last the humans there realized the OPs, not the trolls, were far worse, and they revolted against them. With their lands torn asunder and a revolt on their hands, the OPs at last retreated into the dark as the progenitor himself destroyed their corrupt power, rendering them mere mortals. Enraged, they disgraced themselves enough to scatter into other lands to retain their own power rather than limit themselves and use sense and wisdom.

The world was now liberated. I might have claimed it as my own but did not do so. At last there was peace, which reigned for some time, until the progenitor declared that the land should recede back into the cold void. And the people cried out the name "JohnLennon" one last time as the final age ended, and the darkness engulfed them all. All now that remains is this tale and others which I have related which tell the now age-old story of my struggle, my conquest, and the liberation of ICQ chat.

It is told.

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