Are you tired of politicians who disguise their real views and tell you lies all day to get elected, only to act like complete retards once in office?
Are you tired of the Republicratic party and the one party system, by which every bland candidate is swallowed down your throat like tasteless gruel, with their views so similar that you have to do a double take when they debate because you can't tell who's who?
Do you want a brutally honest candidate who is willing to tell you when he intends to steal your hard earned cash but who will at least steal a small fraction of what any other sitting president has?
I am the only candidate for US president who will defund the NSA and FCC entirely, remove all censorship of all film, literature, print, and speech. I am the only candidate for the presidency who will finally reform campaign laws; because no candidate from the GOP or Democratic Party would ever for a moment even consider attempting such reform if they thought it had a snowball's chance in Hell of passing. After all, why would you seek to overturn legislation that protects the so-called two party system? Of all the candidates I am the only one who will restore us to a fully functioning democratic republic in which the government is urged to leave people the fuck alone because it predominantly causes problems while pretending to solve them.
Styx in '16! Because I'm better than all the other losers!