This blog is a satire of the now-defunct ICQ chat service, which is thankfully dead because I destroyed it.

Monday, April 13, 2015

I Announce My Candidacy For the US Presidency


As the electoral season approaches, I thought it was about time to throw my hat into the ring for the US presidency. Sure, I'm technically ineligible because of my age, but that hasn't stopped Ted Cruz (A Canadian) or Hillary Clinton (and her obvious unlawful practices during her lawyer years) from running, so I figure at this point campaign law is a suggestion rather than a requirement.

I am running on the Bull Moose platform; the platform of real progressives before they quickly got subsumed in partisan bickering, back a century ago when they actually cared about quality of life and maintaining US economic prowess. As such, I introduce my platforms here.

1. Censorship and surveillance must be done away with by any means necessary. If it requires executive orders to defund related agencies, so be it. If it requires mobilizing the US military to forcibly requisition their servers and papers, so be it. The FCC, NSA, and TSA will be abolished under my leadership. Other bureaus will be reviewed by independent groups formed by the executive branch.

2. Immigration is a hellhole of bureaucratic ineffectiveness and needs desperate reform. I am willing to give the GOP their border wall and the Democrats their partial amnesty under the condition that they give me what I want; reforming the process to make it far cheaper and easier, and fast tracked for those who are skilled, educated, intend to join the US armed forces, or who are romantically involved in a lasting relationship with a US citizen or resident. Family members of citizens may also be fast tracked. Immigration control will be geared towards ensuring the immigrant is not a criminal, and does not suffer from communicable disease.

3. Monopolistic business endeavors have caused economic mayhem, not the free market; the free market is no longer free because interventionist-backed corporate monopolies stifle capitalistic competition. I will bust them up and force real competition back into the system, reforming business taxes to favor the business itself rather than protect their owners and CEOs by focusing instead on capitol gains and especially taxing overseas holdings. This will raise wages and lower costs while also severely increasing GDP.

4. To encourage green energy, all permit costs, regulatory costs, and bureaucratic costs associated with the manufacture, distribution, purchasing, or installation of solar panels, gas generators, passive solar systems, geothermal taps, and wind turbines will be removed.

5. Campaign finance reform is needed for a free and functioning democratic republic. Corporate, lobbyist, bureaucratic, unionist, and foreign donations will be banned and replaced with a combination system allowing limited public funding, and capped per-person donations for campaigns. PACs and super PACs will also be banned. Citizens United will be repealed and a constitutional amendment used to permanently reform the political system to bring back true representative government.

6. The United States shall adopt a second Monroe Doctrine, specifically focusing foreign doctrine on uniting the American hemisphere and preventing all foreign meddling or internal fighting here in our part of the world. All other alliances and trade deals shall be considered secondary in importance. I will strive to cause all American states to trade freely, associate amicably, and sign the reciprocal defense treaty, specifically because states with power who attempt to lean on their neighbors by force tend to lose allies and trade deals over time, as Russia and China have.

7. Some Federal lands, which would otherwise be developed by corporations, will instead be developed by a new homestead act, freeing up millions of acres of land which would have been settled anyways, for private ownership. Qualified citizens who wish to farm or otherwise make use of the productivity of this land will apply for a position doing so. This will prevent overcrowding from immigration into larger metropolitan areas that are straining to grow, and severely increase economic growth.

8. A comprehensive domestic defense policy shall be implemented, consisting of the abolition of bans on firearms and other weapons, body armor, and all related paraphernalia. High schools, which are educational facilities, will do away with gym class and instead teach martial arts along with marksmanship and field medicine.

9. All politicians' salaries will be capped at 400% of median income, to be adjusted annually for inflation.

10. Police to be reasserted as simply citizens without special legal rights, and will be subject to criminal investigation by citizen committee. In all cases of a possible felonious act, the officer(s) shall be immediately relieved of duty pending trial. All police forces must return military goods to the US military for use or sale to allies. Cities banned from declaring martial law. All officer training must include a basic primer of civil and human rights; prohibition of torture, preservation of access to legal council, and allowance of citizens to film officers at all times along with other topics, shall be covered extensively.

These are of course not my only platforms, however this suffices as a basic introduction to my campaign. I briefly considered using the slogan "Because I'm the lesser of all evils" or "The least crappy candidate" or "I promise to at least tell you before I steal from you and then only to steal a little bit" but I think "For a Better Tomorrow" is probably more appropriate.

I hope to have the support of all of ICQ.

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