This blog is a satire of the now-defunct ICQ chat service, which is thankfully dead because I destroyed it.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2014 In Review: 2015 Here We Come!

The year in trolling was much better than the year in politics and culture.



Here we are on the very precipice that leads us off the 2014 cliff and into the gulley of 2015 below. Really 2014 wasn't much of a cliff unless a fiscal one- mostly it was a deep cratered depression filled with a thin, foul-smelling scum of scandal and corruption and piteous evil.

At least that's how it was in political, economic, and social circles- the entire year was more or less a circle jerk of neofeminists, islamists, russophiles, and evangelicals all vying for who would win the idiot of the year award; and here we have the final results of a year long contest to see who would be the most fruity, say the most crazy things, and fail the hardest.

THIRD PLACE: In third place, we have the feminist movement, taking bronze after a particularly strong showing (they didn't place last year and haven't since the 1980s.) In a strange happening, they were able to temporarily revive their own relevance, despite more or less already having accomplished their stated goals decades ago, only to fall into infighting, get co-opted by race baiters on both sides, and destroy their own credibility. The term feminism was seen as mostly positive until this year bu the mainstream, but now all anyone thinks of when they hear it is "shrill, shrieking, whiny bitch."

SECOND PLACE: It's no surprise that Vladimir Putin is on the list of most stupid retards for 2014; after having overseen the collapse of the ruble and the flight of half of Russia's foreign investment back to their respective national coffers, he declared that the ruble collapse was "over" before being proven wrong the subsequent day. Protests have begun in Moscow and Putin has resorted to putting his brain in a time machine and sending it back to the early 1970s, reacting not by attempting to address why Russia is collapsing and instead focusing on killing or imprisoning protestors and dissidents. Onwards to glory, comrade!

FIRST PLACE: And our grand prize for the most stupid, retarded, imbecilic, cretinously hilarious fail of the year goes to Bill DeBlasio; the first mayor in the history of New York City to unite the people and police, all races ages and genders, and members of every income bracket in their shared disdain for his very existence. Here's a clue Bill; if you can't make it in New York you can't make it anywhere, because California is too right wing for someone like you and there's nowhere you can go but Sweden if you want to be considered "only slightly too far left." This socialist faggot couldn't even be a dog catcher in any respectable city, but in New York he somehow managed to ride Bloomberg's equally retarded coat tails to victory, only to fumble the ball so badly that only the Oakland Raiders could ever find it.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

-The Nation of Israel for managing to make Hamas look civilized, during their extended tour in Gaza destroying apartments. (Here's a hint for you zionist folk; Palestine will be legally recognized fairly soon if you don't take the land deal the US is trying to broker- those sweat beads on the politicians' heads aren't worry for their reelections, they're worry about you going apeshit and using nuclear weapons like you always wanted to.)
-China, for continuing to mostly ignore their upcoming fiscal disaster, that everyone in the west and most Chinese know is coming.
-Sony, for probably breaking the law in false flagging North Korea over a fucking movie. Nobody gives a fuck, and even fewer would have had you not tricked the FBI into thinking your all-too-obvious inside hack was actually coming from the DPRK. Enjoy your jail terms!
-That retard who gave everyone a laugh by saying the voters were dumb in ever Obamacare speech ever made, who almost gave poor Holder a heart attack when the videos came out and the admin had to go into damage control mode.
-Boehner for also being a retard and continuing his "mild mannered man" approach even when it was clear the GOP finally had the leverage it needed to get "something" done. What that something is nobody knows because only a few GOP representatives have said anything of substance since 2001.
-Jesus Christ, because he was gay as hell.
-Muhammad for the same reason; also he was a fruity pork enthusiast.
-The entire nation of Sweden for not waking up and smelling the roses about their immigration and demographic problems. Honestly I hope the leftists keep importing islamists so that in ten years or so it serves as a cautionary warning for the rest of Europe when the Swedish economy goes belly up because they have millions of homeless arabs and pakistanis on welfare and half a dozen actual Swedes left. I encourage all native Swedes to leave Sweden and migrate to the upper midwest of the USA. Come here if you have sense.
-And finally, Peter Shumlin, the governor of this very state (at least unless Scott Milnes wins the vote he's technically, by law, supposed to win if the legislators vote based on their own community voting results) who had the balls to admit single payer was too expensive but waited until after the election to admit it. Even the democrats are saying he should leave office. Good job Pete, you managed to shame yourself in a state that is about 70% democrats most of which voted for Obama in 2012 even though he had suffered a string of failures. Maybe you should go run for office in California with DeBlasio as running mate.

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