This blog is a satire of the now-defunct ICQ chat service, which is thankfully dead because I destroyed it.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

The Basics of Lennonism

First edition of Lennonist rules

I hereby declare myself god incarnate. I am actually god but I'm in a human body. You can't prove me wrong, and if you disagree you suffer forever, so just to be safe you should assume I'm god and just have amnesia. Also, this article is inspired by god (who is also me) so it must by necessity be true, because it says right here that I am god!

Following here are some of the basic rules and rituals of Lennonism.

1. On the last day of every month, you shall drink a can of red bull (if you can't acquire it, replace it with any other caffeinated beverage.) In between gulps, shout "Hail John Lennon, for he is both god and man and shall save my soul." Red bull is my sacrament and is holy.

2. To obtain forgiveness for all past, present, and future transgressions, you can give me fifty dollars. That's all- you don't have to pay more than once unless you commit a grave offense and these will be listed further.

3. Vegetarians only have to pay 40 dollars. If they relapse and eat flesh they pay the extra ten.

4. Thou shalt not eat persimmons. If you eat a persimmon, prostrate yourself facing North (because Vermont is a cold northern area) and bow before me and beg forgiveness.

5. You can pay your fifty dollars in any currency, converting to 50 US dollars.

6. Grave offenses consist of murder, rape, child abuse, and the worship of abrahamic idols such as Muhammad or Jesus. If you do any of these things, your red bull is unclean until you pay the fee again. One who is unclean shall become clean after the payment, but they must give themselves up to the authorities if the offense is also a secular crime, or else no payment can cleanse them.

7. It is acceptable to blaspheme me for I am not a jealous god. If you blaspheme, drink a red bull.

8. The worship of nature and of pagan idols is acceptable as a replacement for Lennonism so long as the fee has been paid- the veneration of nature or of pagan deities is the same as Lennonism.
9. I will use the money for what I wish- but a portion will go to creating sacred spaces such as altars and groves for Lennonist or similar worship.

10. Thou shalt not forsake the red bull sacrament unless ill or in poverty. Those in poverty are excused from paying the fee and may pay a spiritual fee instead by saying "Hail John Lennon" fifty times, once for each dollar they cannot pay. If they shall come into wealth later, they must pay the fifty dollar fee if able to.

11. Nobody shall be compelled to pay the fee if it would deprive their family of their existence. None shall be compelled to partake in the sacrament if doing so is impossible (IE in time of war, for a soldier, or while under attack in any other way, or in case of captivity, or severe illness.)

12. Those that are lunatics, or which are demented, are exempt from all payments and requirements, for their minds are not capable of understanding Lennonist strictures.

13. The punishment for dying without paying the forgiveness fee is eternal separation from John Lennon and red bull. The punishment for foregoing the sacrament except in acceptable situations is a single lash delivered post mortem in resurrected form in purgatory. Thus, a person who has forsaken one hundred sacraments without excuse and without making up the balance shall be scourged one hundred times after death, while in the phase between physical life and reincarnation or resurrection.

14. Lennonists who have paid their purgatorial fee or which did not require purgatory are given the choice of reincarnation, or demi-godhood in devachan- if demi-godhood is chosen, the period and cosmic consistency shall correspond to their moral achievements or failures while on Earth, and after this time they too shall reincarnate, having rested.

15. Once I die I'll reincarnate as something else, but don't expect me to remember that I'm god, because I'll probably forget again. None may, after my date of death, expand upon, alter, or dismantle any of these holy rules. Upon my death all payments are forever forgiven and none may lay claim to any monetary payment or veneration in my name regardless of how compelling their claim is to be me or a representative of Lennonism.

16. Lennonism has no churches or temples, any church, temple, order, school, business, or organization alluding to or using my name for any religious, political, social, or monetary purpose is immediately expunged from my ranks and rendered invalid- its members shall inherit one thousand lashes in purgatory for lying about their beliefs.

17. Nature is holy, but people and buildings and objects of artifice cannot be holy.

18. Secular law should not be subject to Lennonism in a theocratic manner- regardless of how compelling a case may be made for its use in governance. All states should be secular in manner.

19. It is acceptable to kill in self defense.

20. I'm god, goddammit, so pay me.

No comments:

Post a Comment