This blog is a satire of the now-defunct ICQ chat service, which is thankfully dead because I destroyed it.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Kansas AKA Cromwell: The Premier #Christianity Bible Thumper

The call is toll free but if you want us to guide you in a salvation prayer it's 99 cents per minute- buy our new book "why god hates gays" now for only 14.99! Get your genuine water from a spring outside Jerusalem for only 5.99 plus shipping!


Cromwell now uses the nickname Kansas but both nicknames are still well known on #christianity and, to a lesser extent, #atheism, where he goes to find lesbians to harass- the zealous Kansas comes with a variety of chat topics, almost all of which refer to gays as hellbound, or else decry the existence of "liberals" (this definition loses all meaning when you realize he's so far to the right that Pat Robertson looks like a communist by comparison.)

Why Cromwell, like so many other evangelicals, is obsessed with the topic of sex is beyond the realm of most reasonable people- I often thought it was because fundamentalists were abused as children by priests and pastors, but it could also be due to brain damage from drinking out of lead pipes all their childhood.

Typically, Kansas will be silent for long periods, occasionally spitting out a comment loosely (but often not directly) related to the general conversation- and regardless of what he says it's almost invariably ended with "XD" or "[:-)" Which allows him to be easily identified. In fact, for a while, I thought Kansas was actually another chatter called Fiat_Lux who had a similar problem with easily predictable statements spammed multiple times in the course of a single conversation.

Having an IQ greater than 50, Kansas managed to figure out how to access the room after it was delisted unlike some of his fundie compatriots- this gave him an advantage, for now he remained one of a far smaller number of religious folks vying for the same pool of unsaved, lost souls- this pleased Kansas, but instead of trying to convert people to jesus worship, he instead found it a better idea to merely insult other users' views.

A typical collection of Kansas comments:

"God cares what you do in your bedroom XD"

"Obummer is really trying to make the USA like his home country [:-)"

"It's ok to be gay if you want to go to hell! XD"

These fairly uninventive baiting comments are posted every minute or two until he abruptly disconnects- it's rumored that his mother tells him when to go to bed and doesn't give him the opportunity to give the room the benefit of a goodbye.

Of particular humor- that Kansas (along with a few other chatters) swore up and down that Mitt Romney would be elected and Obama relegated to single term ignominy- in fact only three chatters who actively bet who would win were correct- one being (hilariously) EmmettM who predicted an Obama victory because "Obama is the antichrist and the country is too sinful to elect Romney."

He didn't see the irony in Romney being a mormon any more than Cromwell did.

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